2-year madness – Goodbye February 2, 2010

Almost exactly a month after Jen was first admitted to the hospital, it came back.  The pneumonia.  Just as the doctor had told us.  This time we knew the end was inevitable, so my mom kept her at home, and hospice came in.  I had not gone back after her earlier bout because she had done so well, but I knew this time I had to get there.

My mom had other ideas, though, for good reason.  I was seven months pregnant at this point and my mom was terrified something would happen to the baby.  She said it was bad, and that I did not need the extra stress.  She was already have an incredibly tough time, and she would have worried that much more if I had been there.  I decided to respect her wishes and not go.  That was the hardest decision I ever had to make.  The phone was attached to my hip that week, and I became quick to answer on ther first ring.  I waited, and waited more.  Jenny clung to life and seemed unwilling to let go.  The hospice workers felt she was waiting for someone.  When they all discussed it, my mom decided to call me.  “Jodie,” she said, “I think she’s waiting for you.  Can you talk to her?”  I wanted to go there so badly, but I knew I couldn’t, and may not even make it in time.  So I talked to her.

I told her I was sorry I wasn’t there with her, and told her why.  I know in her heart she understood.  I told her it was ok to let go.  I knew she was worried about my mom, and whether she would be alright.  I promised her I would always take care of our mom, and dad, no matter what.  She also needed to know the effect she had on others through her situation, especially my kids.  I told her how much they loved her, and how much compassion they developed because of her.  Of course, over and over, I told her how much I loved her.  She actually attempted to say something.  Mom said she hadn’t done that in days, maybe weeks.  She had taken to being very quiet until she talked to me.  Once we got off the phone, Mom said this peace overcame Jenny and she finally rested.  She went to sleep, and she hadn’t slept in a week.  24 hours later, she passed away.  It was my mom’s birthday. April 30, 2008. Mom said she had stayed in that peaceful state until she passed.  She knew it was me Jen was needing to hear.  As hard as it was that I wasn’t there, I feel so incredibly blessed that she needed to tell me goodbye or hear my voice one last time. 

That week was definitely the toughest thing I have ever gone through, and my kids experienced that with me.  They watched their Daddy give the eulogy, which was absolutely amazing.  When I think back about how awesome it was that he stood up there when the rest of us couldn’t, and spoke such beautiful things about her, and even had to pause because he was getting choked up, I wonder how I have ever been mad at him since.  Everyone that was there told me what a wonderful husband I have, and they were absolutely right.

My kids being there did tend to lighten the mood ever so slightly, too.  At the visitation, I was standing next to the coffin with Abby and she was trying to reach a prayer card that was sitting atop a less-than-sturdy podium.  It started to topple, and I told her to be careful or she would knock it over.  She said,”Would it wake up Jenny?”  I couldn’t help but smile.  Their innocence is so beautiful. 

We were all in the limousine leaving the funeral home, heading to the church.  As we left the parking lot, Evan asks, “Where’s Jenny?”  We told him she was behind us.  “In the TRUNK???”   LOL!  That one still really gets me going!  The whole limo was full of laughter.  We needed that.

Sometimes someone has to leave this world to make room for another…

2-year madness – How it all began January 28, 2010

Lately I’ve done a  lot of thinking about how I have changed in recent years.  Our move to Moberly changed me drastically (for good).  I became something I had never really been, an optimist.  I was generally a very happy-go-lucky girl.  In fact, at one point, my favorite song was Happy Girl by Martina McBride because I thought it fit me so well. 

This didn’t last, though.  The change started 2 years ago.  Many people close to me know this story too well.  I have itched to write about this, though, even if it is difficult.

Easter 2008 I was in March, and I was 6 months pregnant with Aaron.  We were in St. Louis visiting my family when my sister, Jenny, fell ill.  She had been sick off and on since Christmas, but this was the worst.  She couldn’t catch her breath and her cough was awful. (She was in a semi-vegetative state due to a Traumatic Brain Injury, but I’ll tell that story another time).  I was nervous when I went to bed because my mom was a mess, and she knew Jenny best.  If something wasn’t right, she knew it.  Chuck, my stepdad, woke me up in the middle of the night.  (By this time, it was Easter morning.) My heart started racing as soon as I heard his voice, but then at the same time, it was like I froze when I asked him what was wrong.  I knew something wasn’t right.  He said that I needed to get up because my mom needed me.  I don’t think I have ever made it from the bed to the floor that quickly.

As I went with him into Jenny’s room, where my mom was, I saw her bent over Jen just crying her eyes out.  She said, “I think she’s dying , Jodie!”  As any mom would be, she was hysterical.  They quickly called an ambulance, and the paramedic stated she appeared to me in congestive heart failure.  So we all broke down.  I said my goodbyes, fearing that is the last time I was going to see her.  We didn’t even know if she’d make it to the hospital.  My mom insisted I stay behind with Ted and my kids.  My kids were still asleep (somehow!) and she said she would call me from the hospital as soon as she knew anything. 

I never went back to sleep, and the phone rang about 90 minutes later.  They were calling in the family.  She had pneumonia badly in both lungs, and in her condition, would have a hard time fighting it.  Ted and I scrambled to get the kids up.  They adored her and I had to give them a chance to say goodbye.  I had to call my Dad in the middle of the night, too, and break the news to him, which was the hardest phone call I’ve ever had to make.

We all met at the hospital and saw Jenny struggling to breathe.  They were giving her antibiotics but they didn’t think they would be enough, fast enough.  The oxygen mask agitated her more than being without it, so we opted to leave it off most of the time, which we knew wasn’t going to help.  My kids were in tears, and I hate that they had to see  that, but the compassion that has overtaken them because of it is awesome. We all said our goodbyes as they prepared a room upstairs in the Hospice wing.

We tried to go about our day.  Went to my Grandma’s for Easter dinner where I couldn’t stand to talk to anyone. Once dinner was over, we packed up and were going to stop back by the hospital on our way out of town.  I had kids that had to be back in school and a husband who had to be back at work, and no one really knew how long this would take.  My plan was to get all of them home, and come back the next day.

She was still holding on, but was even worse.  So, again, I said my goodbyes. And I headed home.  My mom called me the next morning and said she was improving and they were moving her from hospice, so not to come back right then. “Wow, she made it through!” I thought.  And she did.  She came home several days later, so I never went back down there.  I was very pregnant and exhausted, and this was a lot of stress on me.  Jenny’s doc did give us a warning though, that the next time she got this, and he expected this to recur very soon, that she wouldn’t make it.  See, she had already had pneumonia 2 other times in the previous 4 months, and each time was worse than the time before.  So we celebrated, cautiously.

Out of the mouths of babes… January 11, 2010

For so long, I have wanted to write of the funny things my kids say.  I know I will want to remember those words someday.  Now, with blogging, I have that chance.  And they are sure helping me out, because lately they have had us in stitches!

Evan was baptized (immersed) on Christmas Eve.  It was so special, and awesome that my mom was able to be there for it!  We are so proud of him, and praise the Lord for helping us to mold this child.  Evan said he thought it would be a great birthday present for Jesus to do it then. (That brings a tear to my eye every time!)  Anyway, Ted baptized him, and after the baptism, Ted told Evan that he thought it was a great idea that he was baptized on Christmas Eve .  Evan says, “I think it would have been a great idea to bring another pair of underwear!”  Lol.  (For those not familiar with immersion, we wear a robe into the baptistry, while wearing our undergarments under that.  Needless to say, Evan went home “commando” in single-digit temps…not the most comfortable!

Ted shaved his head on New Year’s Day, on a whim.  He has still not decided whether he likes it or not.  So he asked Abby a couple of nights ago if he should grow his hair back or keep it shaved.  She said he should keep it that way, then she reached out and started rubbing his head.  Then she just grinned and said, “It’s fuzzy!”

NOT the answer to subzero temps!!!

Evan sat and watched tv with us, I think the same night.  Some antidepressant commercial came on and starts talking about improving moods, etc.  Evan pipes up and says, “I think Mom needs that!” How dare he!  What, me?  Moody?

Aaron is still working on talking, but he is just hilarious, period.  Tonight, as the rest of the family played Wii in the living room, Aaron decided he’s had enough of his clothes.  He got me to take off his shirt, but managed to get his own pants off.  Then after struggling for about 2 minutes, he got his diaper off too.  This is the first time he did this, and I wasn’t sure why.  Apparently, just because.  He preceded just to start dancing, as always, only this time he was pushing his vacuüm.  So I had a miniature naked dancing housekeeper!  Oh my, we were all laughing SO hard!!!

This all makes me think of so many things they did and said when they were littler.  One of my favorites about Evan was after Abby was born, and we took her to the doctor for her postpartum checkup.  As the doctor is examining her, he asks me to take off her diaper.  Then Evan says, “She doesn’t have a wiener!”  I guess that wasn’t clear, and I think he was still trying to figure out why, but oh, the laughs we will have over that one for years to come!

Another time, I guess when Evan was 4 or 5, he was leaning back in the tub and Ted came in and asked what he was doing.  He said, “I baptized myself Dad!”  Hee, hee.

Another tub story, though not for the squeamish, was when Evan and Abby were little and would take baths together.  We had already gotten Abby out of the tub, but Evan was still playing.  I caught him drinking the water, which I was always telling him not to do.  I asked him if he peed in the tub, figuring the chances of a little boy doing so were pretty good.  He said he did.  Then Ted asked him if he peed before or after he drank the tub water!  “Before…”  then there was this look of utter shock on his face!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA…it was SO funny!  Gross, but you know what, that is one thing I have comes to terms with as a mom, boys are just gross!

I could write these forever, and I’ll just have to tackle more of these another time.  Bottom line is, if there is a child in your life, you must have a sense of humor to go with it.  If not, they’ll make you have one!

Just yesterday, Abby told me that Santa Clause is the only person that God will allow to live until the world ends

We were watching our wedding video once and Evan says, “Oh yea, I remember that!”  Trust me, he doesn’t!

Reflections and Resolutions January 2, 2010

This year I am really recommitting to blogging.  I do really love this, but I never really got in the habit.  So here I am, in 2010, trying to organize the thought of my chaotic life on my trusty little sidekick here.

2009-better than 2008 by leaps and bounds, and good overall, but not without its imperfections.  We worried a great deal about Grandpa Chuck at the beginning of the year, as he had a heart attack just after Christmas 2008.  He struggled to get back, but he did, and we are so proud of him.  These kids adore him so much, as do I.

Last year will always be defined for me as the year I lost my grandma.  She was essentially the only grandparent I had for most of my life.  The others were either non-existent, or passed away early on.  She was it since I was 5.  I feel so incredibly fortunate that I was her grandchild and that we had the close relationship that we did.  I have very, very few memories of growing up where she was not there.  She was ALWAYS there!  Christmas was difficult.  I ended up with the majority of her Christmas decorations, which I treasure so much.  On the downside, though, everywhere I turned was a constant reminder of her, which was tough.  To me, she WAS Christmas (not replacing Christ, of course! ), and it was a challenge to create a Christmas without her. 

Onto a new year, and new goals.  I never make resolutions.  I think I quit doing that more than 15 years ago.  Every year I would make the resolution to quit biting my fingernails, and every year I would fail.  So I quit making the resolutions altogether.   And I still bite them, disgusting as it is, so that is likely not one I’ll ever make again.  But this year, I AM going to set some goals for myself.  I am wary of calling them resolutions, because that makes me feel like “Wow, I have to commit to this for a whole year!”, and it gets a bit overwhelming. 

First and foremost, I MUST make God’s Word part of my daily routine.  I commit to it off and on but fall out of the habit very easily.  Then I have days where I am overwhelmed as a mom, yell at the kids, and end up more stressed.  Hmm, I wonder why!  Raising kids is a right that is given to us by God, and how do we expect do it right or do it well if we do not keep Him in the center of our lives? 

Of course, as always I’d like to lose a few pounds this year.  I am horrible about exercising, but this year, Ted is finally committed to that, too, so doing it together should make it much easier.

One thing I have started implementing in the last several weeks is to have much more family time, and I plan to continue that.  We moved the Wii to the living room instead of keeping it in the kids’ playroom, and it is amazing how much that has changed things.  Ted and I haven’t watched evening in awhile now.  We are all up playing the Wii together all evening.

More reading, but not in place of my Bible, and more blogging. 

I am looking forward to the coming year with my awesome husband, who has been by my side year after year, 14 to be exact since we met.  It is so incredible to watch our kids grow and change, and I anxiously await what new and crazy things they’ll think of this year!

November 6, 2009

I wish I could get in the habit of blogging more often.  I love it so much.  My youngest child has been incredibly demanding of my time lately (much more than usual) and I have little down time.

Today he was up before 5:00!!!  Of course, Ted went in to work early and was getting the shower, so I had to get up too!  SO tired!  But now he is napping so I’m catching a break.  Hope he naps again later.

We got through Halloween last weekend.  It was so great having mom and Chuch up here to celebrate with us.  That’s something they have never done with the kids.  Evan was a Cards ballplayer, Abby an angel, and Aaron a monkey.  I’ll try to upload my pics this weekend if I get a chance.

It has been a rough week.  I have a number of friends going through terrible things right now, and it is really taking a toll on me emotionally.  I suppose I can only do what I can do, which is mostly pray for them.  The Lord has a purpose for all of it, and I know he is not giving any of them more than they can handle.  I am just trying to get them to understand that.  It is really going to be ok.

Yesterday would have been my sister’s 28th birthday.  I had a very tough day.  I miss her so much.  Sometimes it is so difficult to understand why I have been so blessed and she had to be taken from us.  Again, I know he had a purpose, but on days like that, that is difficult to grasp.  I so wanted her to truly know my kids.  She was aware of Evan and Abby when she was here, and I know she longed to hug and kiss them.  But she left us before Aaron wa born, and that breaks my heart.

Aaron is awake now, so I guess I have to cut it short.  Life is great, and I wish that the Lord would bless each of you with the same.

Fevers, Tantrums, and more… October 23, 2009

The last week or so has been a whirlwind!  Mostly due to the sickness in the house.  Aaron had scarlet fever (!) and Abby ran an unexplained temp for 5 days!  Things were a little out of whack, to say the least.  Aaron wasn’t too bad after 24 hours, but having to keep a 5yo indoors for 5 days was a great challenge!  She went back to school Tuesday, and I’ve been attempting to catch up and return to normal.  However, I continue my prayers that we will be healthy now!

I’m looking forward to the next few days.  Tomorrow Trish and I (and Aaron!) are going to Columbia to do a little shopping.  Just to get away from the house and do something different sounds great!  Tomorrow night there is supposed to be an awesome Cajun meal for the Deacons and Elders at the minister’s house.  Nothing could sound better to Ted and I than cajun food!  Yum! 

Saturday my dad and Carol will be coming to visit.  It’s been quite awhile since I really saw my dad.  I mean, I saw him for a bit at my grandma’s funeral, but obviously didn’t get to visit very long.  The last time we really hung out with him was July 4.  Hopefully this weekend things will go a lot better than they did that weekend!

Then Sunday if the weather cooperates, we will go to the pumpkin patch.  They have a petting zoo, hayrides, etc.  We haven’t been able to do any of that stuff since everyone has been sick this month!  Somewhere in there we need to carve pumpkins!  I’m looking forward to all of the excitement from the kids.

Aaron has hit this incredibly wild age of 16 months!  He is funnier and crazier than ever!  But the tantrums, OH the tantrums!  Just like his brother, his terrible 2’s have started early.  When he doesn’t get his way, he’ll throw himself down and usually bang his head on whatever is closest to him.  The bruises on his forehead from this look like someone has been using him as a football!  Although his tantrums are like his brother’s, we are older and wiser than we were back then.  So he doesn’t get away with much!  In fact, he listens to NO a lot better and isn’t nearly as defiant, because he knows we’ll make him toe the line.  Funny how much smarter we get, isn’t it?

Hibernation October 14, 2009

My aunt made a comment today on FB about feeling like hibernating this time of year.  That is spot on!  When it gets cold, I do not leave the house unless I absolutely have to!  I am also much less motivated to do very much, particularly when the sun isn’t out, like today.

But I am challenging myself.  Even though I hole up in the winter, I am determined to make the best of it this year.  I have already gotten into doing a lot more cooking and baking, and hopefully over the winter I can create the atmosphere that my family loves to come home to.  I’ve already stocked up on the hot drinks, like hot chocolate and apple cider, and they have just LOVED that!  My real challenge to myself will come when the snow starts to fall.  I am always putting off the snowman-making and sledding on Ted because I am such a baby about being cold. But I want their memories to include me, not just their Dad!

Maybe I can contribute to my mood by lighting more yummy candles, doing more blogging, and curling up with my Bible more.  I am so fortunate to have the life I do, to be able to stay home with my awesome kids, and I need to show God how much appreciate his blessings by not wasting so much of the time he has given me.

I have learned the very painful, hard way that life can be way too short.  We have a way of being too comfortable, where it’s warm, or where it’s easy, and we don’t challenge ourselves enough or step outside our little boxes.  Not me, not this year.

His Grace IS sufficient – a testimony October 4, 2009

My Sunday morning Women’s Bible Study just blows me away!  I leave there every time with such emotion and fulfillment!  I am so grateful for the leaders who choose to give so much of themselves to make that happen.

This morning, we mulled over 2 Corinthians 12:9….And he said to me,”My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”  Wow!  How many times I have read that verse, yet never got the gravity of it until today!  Yes, his grace should be suffcient for me, I have always known that.  But can anything, albeit power, really be perfected in weakness?  Then Paul tells us how he boasts of his own weaknesses, encouraging us to do the same!  That’s a lot to take in.  But as I dwelled on this verse, I really feel that verse is almost my life in a nutshell.  Here are a few pages from my open book…

For many years of my life, I played the victim, either real or perceived.  Whether it was I was a victim of my father’s alcoholism, the victim of the intense bullying I underwent in Junior High, the victim of the guys who knew girls with poor self-esteem were easy prey, or feeling as if I am somewhat the victim by my sister’s life being taken from her.  Those are only a few things I could talk about. 

There were times I was angry, most times I was weighed down by the clinical depression.  Needless to say, there was definitely a real emptiness there that I could never seem to fill.  Not with all of the counseling in the world.  Not without it being based in the Lord. At 21, I attempted to take my own life, because I didn’t think there was a solution to all of my pain.  Fortunately, the Lord’s hand intervened and saved me that night.  And he used that to bring my then-boyfriend, now-husband, back into my life after I had so foolishly walked away. 

Friendships were always difficult for me. I suppose my self-esteem issues, my depression, and my extreme sensitivity were the greatest factors there.  I had very few close friends in junior high and high school, but I almost always had a boyfriend, because I’d date almost anyone just to have someone.  And they knew it. 

Though I always loved the Lord and was raised in the church, I never had a real relationship with Him until recent years.  I had always known he was there, but I didn’t know why he wasn’t saving me from my issues!  But He already had.  I just didn’t know it yet.  I had yet to see His plan for my life, and am still watching it unfold.  If I knew then what I know now, would I change any of it?  Not a chance.  (Well, I’d bring Jen back if I could, of course, but God had a plan there, too.)  I do not believe that Ted or I would have swallowed our pride and got back together if it hadn’t been for my stupid antics.  Now I have many friends, and several very close friends that I could call in the middle of the night if I needed anything.  Sure, it would have been great to have that then, but it didn’t really matter back then.  It matters now.  God changed my heart along the way, and has now made the me the sort of friend I wished I had been then.

Without any of the trials and weaknesses I have been through in my life, I would not be the person I am.  The person God intended me to be.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I will never be perfect and I still have a lot of work to do.  But if I can see his power at work in those weakest points in my life, then I am on my way.  So I do boast in those weaknesses, because His grace is sufficient for me.  To have taken me from the person I was, broken and alone, to blessing me so richly with a loving husband, 3 beautiful kids, and a great life.  Most of all, he has brought me to the point in my life where HE is the center.  That is His plan for each of us.

Before we ever feel like we are alone, worthless, or that God doesn’t care, we have to remember this.  We were bought with the ultimate price.  He sacrificed His Son so that we would NOT be lost.  Without him, nothing will be sufficient.  Only in Him will we find the grace it takes to move through this life.  Joy, pain, and the whole crazy thing.

And the leaves fall… October 3, 2009

We have officially welcomed fall this week.  I love seeing all the leaves on the ground, the pumpkins, and feeling a bit cooler weather.  I could do without this wind, keeping us all indoors, though.  Really that was just today, but it was enough for us to miss the Homecoming Day parade.

The rest of the week I was cooped up because of this awful H1N1 (unofficial) flu.  Five full days I spent on the mend, not going anywhere or doing much at all.  Today was the first day I was really back on my feet. I thank God that the kids seem to have fought it off! 

What a week for my kids, though!  Youngest first.  Aaron has really started talking and doing more things himself. He’s repeating a ton of stuff.  His favorite words are probably “go” and “car”, oh and “stairs.”  Typical boy!  Yesterday he saw Chuck’s picture on the wall.  His whole face just lit up and he said,”GAMPA!”  So cute!!!  He climbing up and down on the couch, finally learning how to go “down” the stairs (backwards), and of course, throwing things when he’s mad!  He actually has quite a little temper!

Abby got her first award at school this week, albeit the biggest award.  She got the Terrific Kid Award, as if I didn’t know she was!   I was SO bummed out because I was home sick and couldn’t go!  Ted was able to go, but I was heartbroken. 

Evan really surprised us this week.  He’s been struggling with school a bit.  Apparently he has a pretty rowdy class and his teacher was handling it by punishing the whole class.  Evan, being the kind of kid who tries really hard to behave himself, is very discouraged by that.  For the first time, he was actually disliking school.  I have been meaning to send an email to his teacher to mention this, but with me being sick, I’d forgotten.  So Evan took matters into his own hands and went to his teacher about it!  He told Mr. Burris how he is bored in school and frustrated because of the other kids and because of the punishment everyone suffers.  Then the teacher called me after school to discuss it.  He was proud of Evan and thrilled he came to him.  And you know, Evan came home today and said ,”Mom, Mr. Burris is a lot nicer now!” lol.

Not a half-bad week for a mom, huh?  Even though I wasn’t physically doing much, I was reaping the rewards of raising good kids.  Who could ask for more?

Cornucopia September 25, 2009

Today my mind is full of a plethora of things.  Bear with me if I seem scattered, or do they now call it ADHD?  But I’m not, that’s Ted…and Evan.  Does anyone really stay focused anymore?  Do we just all have various forms of ADD?  In some cases, we call it multi-tasking.  We do more than one thing at a time, and then feel successful if any or all of those things get done.  I’m a pretty good multi-tasker, in most cases.  But my husband will tell you I can’t talk and do anything else.  When I was a kid, they joked I couldn’t walk and talk at the same time. I suppose they were right!

Every time I get online today, I notice there is someone else with whatever “it” is that is going around.  H1N1, strep, sinus junk, you name it, it’s out there.  And it’s only September.  I’m surprised at myself for not panicking that the kids, especially the baby, are going to get sick.  They are.  It’s a fact.  These things are so prevalent that they are unavoidable.  I am simply trying to be aware so when they do catch something, I am aware of their symptoms and know if it requires a doctor’s care or not.  This makes me think a lot about life in general.  The question is not “if” we are going to go through struggles, have bad days, get stressed out, but WHAT we will do about them when they happen.  Will we panic?  Will we be prepared?  If we are aware these things are coming, it’s not so tough to tell ourselves that this, too, shall pass.  We cannot always change our circumstances, but what we can change is how we react to them.  I think that is the measure of who we really are.

The windows are open and it is an amazing day outside.  I anticipate my kids coming home with their interesting yet comical stories and thoughts.  Abby told me last night tin the car that the librarian at her school shaved his head.  “But it wasn’t yesterday, it was on, um…Septemeber the 9th…no, I mean, uh…September the 1st.  Can one of the boys in our fanily shave their head?”  First, the fact that she thought she knew a specific date was funny, but then to think of one of my guys with no hair…I was really glad I wasn’t drinking anything at that point, because it likely would have been all over my dash.

Evan is not having such a great time at school these days.  I suppose they hit an age when they finally stop loving it.  I want so much for him days of smiles and no monkey on his back, but he just insists on carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He’s so serious, and I wish I could get him to lighten up a bit.  Howver, in that respect, he’s just like Ted and myself when we were kids in that respect.  If only he could know now what he will know 10, 15, even 20 years from now.  We waste so much time worrying when we are young…and then again, we still do.  Maybe we need to look at that as a lesson.  How many things will we look back on in 20 years and wish we had done differently?  Played Candy Land instead of squeezing in one more chore?  Taken a walk instead of watched that TV show?  We need to look to our past to decide our future.

Happy Friday!